Just "D" Facts about Vitamin D

Benefits of Moderate UV Sunshine Exposure

How to Commit Mass Murder and Get Away With It (Part 3)

Posted by D3forU on April 3, 2014

How to Commit Mass Murder and Get Away With It

By David Rothscum

If you missed Part 1 click HERE

If you missed Part 2 click HERE

Step 5:


By now there are not many mass murderers left who can look down on us. Idi Amin envies our body count. Pol Pot sees our killing spree and is getting nervous. But we haven’t even started yet. People now avoid the sun, and thus stay inside more, where they are exposed to the fluorescent lighting we installed in their homes.


Many places leave fluorescent lighting on despite the fact that it’s the middle of the day. Thus, skin cancer deaths keep going up! Because people are now vitamin D deficient thanks to us, heart disease and diabetes and cancer in general are going up too! This is where most of our score comes from. But, people are catching on. They are telling us “I’ve avoided the sun for the past 20 years but now I’ve got melanoma, and my dumb sister who goes to the beach everyday is fine, what’s going on here?”


Now we tell them our next scam. We tell them that it’s already too late. They got a sunburn as a kid, and now they’re destined to die from skin cancer. You will simply have to accept your faith.


We will tell them to please, please think of their children. Don’t let them play outside, they might start to enjoy their existence on this planet, and we can’t risk that. Keep your children inside at all costs. Let them play FIFA 2010 instead of soccer. Let them watch discovery instead of discovering something for themselves. Keep them locked in their neighborhood. If they get depressed, feed them Prozac.


If they have too much energy, it’s not because they’re not free to roam, it’s because they are sick, and their sickness is called ADHD. You can cure it by growing your son a pair of breasts. We will tell them that peer-reviewed double-blind super scientific studies done by people with IQ’s a thousand times higher than theirs have shown that growing your son breasts cures his ADHD.


If they disagree, we will call them right-wing populist scientifically illiterate demagogic conspiracy theorists. While they’re busy trying to figure out what that means, we’re off to a banana republic that doesn’t have an extradition treaty.

We can do this, you and me. Give me a call.


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